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2002-08-27 2:54 p.m. - still slightly bitter, but getting over it How did I acquire this much stuff, that's what I want to know? I'm now down to sorting through the little crap, and it surprises me what kind of stuff I keep finding. I think I have adopted and dropped too many hobbies than is really healthy. I hope I can just stick with the ones I have now, especially Taekwondo and Hapkido, which are more than hobbies anyway, really. But yeh... for instance, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I re-took up model rocketry a few years ago. What am I 12 or something? I think I'm going to have a big ebay garage sale in the not-so-distant future and rid myself of some of these reminders of my potential for flightiness. I heard from Allison Lamar today that Clint "Green" Catalyst, now of L.A., was on an Mtv show called Sex2K, episode entitled "Oh my Goth!" in which he showed viewers around various L.A. goth haunts. I actually knew of the existence of this show when it first aired while I was in Germany. As I recall, E was even supposed to tape this for me. Guess she didn't. But yeh, apparently Clint is pretty chubby in this broadcast, having gained a lot of weight when he went clean and sober. Nothing like getting off of speed to lower your metabolism, I guess. Well, after receiving the e-mail from Lamar, I went to Clint's website and checked out his goings-on in recent days. Apparently the Mtv broadcast was taped some time ago (I knew he had gotten sober about three or four years ago now), and he has since taken off the 40+ lbs. he gained through the wonders of Weight Watchers. Well, WW got wind of this and he ended up getting interviewed as one of their success stories, in representation of the young hip demographic, and the segment aired on the Today show earlier this month. Wow. He sure gets around. I always knew he had it in him to become semi-famous. I'll have to write him and express my solidarity to him in the joys of sobriety and Weight Watchers. He was a good study partner in our mutual English major courses in college, and I always respected him as a writer and for his general intelligence, aside from his rep as the Weirdest Guy on Campus, which really didn't matter to me one way or another. Yesterday was quite the active day. I rode my bike downtown to take care of some stuff. I also attended two martial arts classes. One was a regular TKD class, and the other was a sparring class. The guy who conducted it is a new face to me, as he apparently had been living in CA during the time in which I have been training there. He's a 3rd degree black belt and has studied some other arts, so he showed us some unique routines. I wasn't very good w/ the sparring, as it's been a while since people's fists and feet (in proper protective gear, but still) have flown at 3/4 speed at my head, and I tended to duck and cringe a lot. How embarassing. I'll get re-used to it though. I should get my own sparring gear though. While downtown yesterday afternoon, I eventually found my way to the Department, where I checked my mailbox, only to find things dated from as far back as a year ago. Hello, didn't anyone tell the office I was gone? There were months-old G250 assignments in there most assuredly meant for the box below mine, Corinna's, and I'm sure these poor souls' grades suffered b/c they were too stupid to put stuff in the right box, and I was not there to rescue the assignments from being drowned in unheeded memos and invitations to boring Grad Student Organization shindigs. Oh well. Too bad. Of utmost importance was that I got the official word that my insurance is indeed in effect. Therapy, here I come! I also ran into Claudia, my soon-to-be advisor. She was super nice and spoke to me in German. I'm going to try to use this precedent and speak to her only in German from here on out. I need the practice. Anyway, I scored points with her by offering to give her a ride to the departmental shindig/barbecue thingie on Friday night. This will be the 5th one of these I will have attended. Wow. I've been here going on 5 years now, not counting the year in Berlin. And I still love Bloomington, possibly more than ever. I still love the departmental shindigs too. :-) I am oddly looking forward to school. I didn't think I was or would be, but I am. I got the message from Prof. Klinger the other day that we are supposed to have prepared a reading for our first class meeting on Tuesday. Instead of being annoyed by this, I'm kind of excited. I just have the one real class, and the rest of my "on" time will be divided between teaching one section of G250 (only 3 days a week!) and working on my dissertation. I figure I can use the topic of this course "Masculinity in Hollywood Film" as a springboard into my Giger stuff. With any luck, I can make the paper for this course fit partly if not completely with my already planned Giger chapter, meaning I'll have, if all goes well, two dissertation chapters done by the end of Fall semester. That ain't bad. I am relieved and comforted by the fact that I have Meghan in my life this year. The pressure to date around and be a social butterfly will not be there, and I can just concentrate on her and my work and go out if I want to and have time, but not feel like I have to go out all the time. Quiet evenings at home are nice when you have someone nice with whom to spend that time. I look forward to more of these with her. We really do the quiet time thing together well. I never feel pressured to talk if I don't feel like talking, and I never feel pressured to entertain or engage her. We just hang out and are like we are, and that is special and worthwhile in itself. I love that I don't have to be any certain way for Meghan. I really feel like I can be myself, faults included, and she is not judging me or sizing me up constantly. She sees through all that to the person I am inside. She doesn't get bogged down in trivial, shallow details... LIKE MY SOCKS! I still can't get over the white sock fixation. I mean, if I had had a mullet or the tendency to wear clashing plaids, that would be somewhat annoying, sure, but not irreparable. But the fact that something as innocuous and arbitrary as white socks would come up more than once in discussions relating to our basic compatibility??? Clearly there were deeper issues involved that, as yet, still completely elude me. I guess I'll never really know exactly why I got dumped. But maybe that is not for me to know. Maybe it ultimately doesn't matter. The important thing is, I have moved on and not let it get the better of me... though I still don't understand the sock thing. I think I'm having mild bitterness flashbacks today b/c I've been going through stuff and finding things that were returned to me, things I gave to her as gifts, even just little gifts. Example: the doggie-shaped cork coaster I got to replace the coaster Henry annihilated. Why was this returned to me? Or the FUCKING BOXES OUR ENGAGEMENT RINGS CAME IN... or how 'bout this? - The would-be wedding planner we had begun to assemble ourselves due to the fact the only available ones were all hetero-oriented. What could be the possible intent of returning such a thing, other than to make me feel momentarily crappy? (Note: I threw the boxes out immediately upon finding them. I'll find some way non-wasteful to get rid of the album.) Admittedly, I should not be bitter, and usually I am not, but this seems intentional to me, and I have to ask, what did I do to deserve this? I am guilty of two things that contributed to our demise, if at all: being depressed and not knowing who to turn to about it at the time, and relying to heavily on my so-called partner for emotional support (until this was pointed out to me, after which I changed coping strategies). If anything, *I* should be the vindictive one here. I have accused, yes. I have ranted mildly. But have I ever said anything overtly shitty? Have I name-called? Have I been disrespectful? Have I added insult to injury like this? No. I just don't get it. But there, I've ranted. It's the first entry in a long time in which I've done that. I guess I am getting better about it. I don't actually *feel* angry that often. Just unpacking this stuff has caused me to be reminded of things I would've done well to forget, for the sake of my own emotional health. But whatever... this bitter moment will pass. It always does. I have ranted, which keeps me from having to dwell. It's like making a list so you don't have to keep things in your head. It gets it out on paper, or pixels as the case may be. On a happier note... Current state of mind: Current countdowns: Latest movie: yet more Simpsons on DVD Quote: 
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